Wedding Bell Blues – 60

Written by: Scott Gemmill, Stephen Zito; Watch Now: – Sorry, not available on Amazon

A male stripper got JAG officer, Harm’s (H) dress white uniform by mistake from an incompetent East Indian cleaner and used it in his act gaining front page publicity of his: naked backside, Lt. Cdr. stripes, aviators wings and JAG “mill rinde” – who else could it be? Harm had taken it to be cleaned for participation in Bud (B) and Harriet’s (Ht) wedding, so needed to retrieve it from the man (whoever he was). The idiot immigrant dry cleaner thought it was a joke and grinned insipidly as he negotiated with H to date his single daughter. Incredibly, H agreed to the blackmail in order to get the apartment address of the Joe Garvey. Unfortunately, the apartment was now occupied by a woman who tried to seduce him before revealing that Joe worked at the “rocket men” strip club. Harm finally was able to pick each article of his clothing up from the floor as they were removed one at a time during Garvey’s act. While Harm was there, he was surprised to see Harriet and her mother and Mac in the front row putting money in men’s pants for her bachelorette party. Harriet eventually decided that she “needed to see Bud” and had M take her mother home.

Bud prosecuted his first case against seaman Robert Cruthers who was found to be 10-years UA when arrested on another charge. Bud selected “desertion” over his mentor Mac’s objection, then turned it into a “you don’t think I can do it” issue. He called many witnesses and asked only one or two questions which upset everyone especially his own witnesses who thought they had wasted their time. He eventually won the case and his brother Mikey (Mk) said: “mom would be proud.” His dad “Big Bud” (BB) said “what for? Ruining some guys life who wasn’t hurting anyone?” The next day in sentencing phase B realized what M had tried to tell him and asked for a “dishonorable discharge” but no other penalty.

Big Bud was loud, inappropriate, rude, controlling and abusive. Bud confided to H of BBs abuse when he saw Mk had a black eye. He said “I spent a lifetime trying to get away from all that – I’m worried about Mikey.” Harm recommended he get it out in the open. Big Bud threw a “crossing the line” type of bachelor party at a strip club but his credit card wasn’t honored so Chegwidden had to talk to the owner, putting up collateral. Bud helped an ill woman law student to the restroom – she thought she might be pregnant. When H returned from retrieving his uniform, BB insulted a woman who missed a swing at him, hitting B instead. Bud flew into another man creating a domino effect and a bar fight. While H, B and C were getting jumped on, BB took Mk and ran. Harriet arrived just in time to see the police arrest everyone including B with the pregnant law student. The officer asked C if he remembered prosecuting “USN vs. Seaman Moska” then “are the handcuff’s too tight… SIR?” Mac came to bail them all out.

Pouting, and without asking any explanations, Ht said she was “calling off the wedding.” Her mother was still raggin’ on her until leaving M, the maid of honor, to “talk her down.” Harriet finally told her mother that “this is MY day,” and that she could “either enjoy it or sashay your southern belle butt back home!”

Mac used cosmetics to cover up Mk’s black eye. Then BB showed up and began provoking a fight with B. When BB threw a punch, B caught it in his fist then told him through clenched teeth to “never hit Mk or me again.” Against Bs pleas Mikey followed BB out of the apartment. Bud warned that he never wanted to see BB again. Mikey did come back for the ceremony, which was full military. Harm, as best man, led the honor guard with a saber-arch to present: “Lt. and Mrs. Bud J Roberts Jr.” As Ht passed by him under the arch, H swatted her bottom with the flat of his sword proclaiming “Go Navy!” Mac made a bee-line to H to find out who his Indian guest was, and H told her “don’t ask!”

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